Have you ever had that gut feeling....that no matter how much you try- you feel that you are making progress yet you are staying or lagging behind? You know that you are okay...as in you will be alive and you will not die but you will not be happy living like that? I mean that weird feeling that you know you will only survive end of the day. But you will not be entirely sad or happy about it.
That is feeling I got just before I had my baby. I was extremely overwhelmed about the fact that I was about to have a baby. But....it all jumbled up. I do not know how many people go through the mental issues like I do. I was not entirely happy at the end of my pregnancy.
I remember being very happy on my baby shower day- that was exactly 2 weeks back before Baby Z was born. After that I had gone through pretty rough times. I understand it is not very easy for my partner as well. It might be different phase for him as well. Through out my pregnancy he made me feel like i was literally "Xena the warrior princess" who was not supposed to feel sick for a moment or did not need a dry mopped up washroom floor- he did mop the wet toilet but very few times. He did check up on me to make sure I had my lunch on time or complained how I do not eat fish and this and that (I am not sure whether he knew what I actually had or ever had or what do I like to have. I wanted to tell him please do not complain to others to show you care but i did not) But a lot of people have showered me with love- inquired about me, what I wanted to have or how was I doing. I liked more people out side of my relationships gained through marital bonds. It was weird- so weird! I bonded with the baby- drifted away from my partner. Tried to get him into online sites........shared articles (he is not much of a reader) and tried to make him feel it is "ours" as in us not some toy or entertainment source for any other people.
Yes I wanted to be pampered. I thank him for letting me choose my hospital and doctor (when you can not get anything- a little bit seems amazing) Yes I wanted to say it was a cherished time. I wanted to say I had a lovely journey not by myself but with my partner. But I can not.
A child comes into people's lives to make it stronger. I felt my relationship fell apart. Because I was not married one entity few other people who had stronger voice than he did. But I alone was- is and going to be my own voice. is not that normal?
Comments