On last Monday afternoon- looking at the mesmerizing view of an army unit field and the ducks swimming on the lake I got to think about winters. In Dhaka the chilly wintry breeze is on. The weather is getting colder now a days and winter is coming sooner than I anticipated this year (We are all the sufferer of the global warming issue)
I clearly remember my winters since I was 5 years old. My grandfather- APUJI (my mother's dad) passed away on a winter evening. I was in nursery standard back then. I clearly remember my winters from standard three in 1994 up to this year. The school days winter was more fun becuase we had our vacation and we had so much to do. Then from standard seven I remember celebrating my bro in laws birthdays. I remember the christmas eves and the new year parties......
Yes I know, I am being nostalgic. A bit too nostalgic maybe. I am on this whirling trip of a lot of changes. My home, being married, getting a driving license but not driving and only planning (that could be turned into something positive :p)
This evening before saying my Maagrib Prayers I simply couldn't control my tears looking at my dad's picture. I felt I somehow forgot him- But i do know I remember him every single day- his absence is very much felt and evident. I just felt like a bad person- I felt that I couldn't do anything for him at all. I didn't get my first salary then and I never got to buy anything for him. He only kept on giving me so much and I couldn't do anything for him. I didn't pray properly for him- it was not enough. Right now I am extremely upset. I feel like a disappointment for so many reasons. Probably my recent experience with my father in law triggered some thought. He was not what I thought- he is a bit different. It is heart breaking. Was I by any chance started to rely on him as a father figure in my life? I am sad!