Would Have...... Should Have.......... Could have

Okay, all of us have some kind of dream....vision or mission we want to achieve. well!!!!!! Not all of us are like that, I am one of them, I am all the time tensed ( God forbid, but I really think my heart condition is already bad)- I am excited about what is coming in near future. Its sad that I really didnt plan something like that, still in an unplanned way I know what I want. I want a decent job, decent apartment, get my own car blah blah blah.....but those are like dreamy dreams and I should try to find a way to achieve it.

To me dream has always been sumthing which are unreachable and it comes true only suddenly by the grace of almighty. You might think I am stupid but its what a means dream to me.

Anyways- its not like I am caught between the fear of future BUT also the regret of past. If something happens other than tryin to look at the good positive things I say.....I should have been better, I could have performed differently, It would have been the best one! isnt that sick......I am now leanring and trying to see the positive parts....there are so much less close people left around me I really feel- I could have done this with them, we should have spent more time- but the sad part- they are changing so am I, they are busy with their lives and nobody can blame anyone for that. We are left with the memories to cherish, may be look forward to see eachother twice a year- god knows what will happen when we will graduate and get into marital life!!! I am sure we will still stick on together and keep in touch :D

With life, with career, with studies, with relationships- everything can be applicable for these tense terms "Would Have...... Should Have.......... Could have" Sometimes I feel I really should have planned a little then we could have had so much more! yet.............may be that would not have been the best way to enjoy natural life. I guess we would have had lesser guilt and regret. GOD! I am sadistic or wat! DUH!

I can't seem to act like a grown up to myself. Where as my pals are into "wedding planning" even family planning already I still think about other imp ppl other than my graduation thoughts! well there are friends like that too- but I feel somehwat some where people are so sunk into their own lives, they don't seem to try swimming up and making a difference.
Lastly have been listening to this song from Alias OST a lot and loving it more n more............

NO MAN'S WOMAN
(Sinéad O'Connor, Scott Cutler, & Anne Preven)

I don't wanna be no man's woman
It don't make me happy this mantrolling
Thing that you got for me so I become
No man's woman
I don't wanna be no man's woman
I've other work I want to get done
I haven't traveled this far to become
No man's woman
No Man's woman
Cuz I'm tired of it
And I'm not scared of it
That I'll never trust again
Cuz a man could fake you
Take your soul and make you
Miserable in so much pain
My friends think I'm alone but I've got secrets
I don't tell everything about the love I get
I got a lovin man but he's a spirit
He never does me harm never treats me bad
He never takes away all the love he has
And I forgive him a million times
I'm never tired of it
And I'm not scared of it
Cuz it doesn't cause me pain
Like a man could fake you
Take your soul and make you
Never be yourself again
I never wanna be no man's woman
I only wanna be my own woman
I haven't traveled this far to become
No man's woman
No man's woman
No man's woman

I dont want to get stuck into this psychadalic insomnia of "Would Have...... Should Have.......... Could have" I really dont want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay........okay! I know! I know! I really need to calm down. I mean there is no point in being so much tensed!

relationship troubles........well kind of not anymore. but still the more I am getting old, the more the life is in a freaky situation. the more I think about the future.......I feel excited for the fact tht I will be graduating soon and will be earning n be someone self sufficient.........still there is so much of responsibilities and stuffs coming up. The last semester is going..........I donno where! I am so so pissed right now!

Randomness on July 4

Okay............It has been ages since I had something called "blogging" in my life, which I really used to love to do, well the thing is I still do. Since my childhood, when I was around 9 or 10 years old I kept a journal, maintaining a diary is a great way to cherish your life. I know memories never leave you, they are forever.......I mean sometimes "memories" are all that you are left with, still- at times don't you feel that memories even betray you and they are nothing but a pain in the a** in your life????? I mean do feel in that way, your best friend thing can really be your worst enemy! (Actually I really felt that one as well) well...........there are pros and cons..............well a journal is like a thing which lets you touch the memory literally- you feel you can touch it or feel it more deeply- all the detail is there! So much for the sake of journalizing!!!!

Lately I have been really busy thinking about my future.....................future- the most uncertain thing where none of my f***ing plan turns out to be effective! I mean DUH! Well, I wont be that much of Harami kisim to say that I am not fortunate. I am really really fortunate to be where I am today- I have the greatest family ever, I have a bunch of great friends and yes I think I have it all, despite of knowing a lot of shitty people and a number of unfortunate stuffs happening in the recent past- I think I have gone through all my ups and downs and Now I really can turn around and say - "GOD! was I ever so dumb to do stuffs like that!" which i never used to do- always felt that I was alright with everything, never ever questioned my self- why am I like this, can I change for better, is there something better that I can seek and have a better life!

I have just come to know about the typhoid germ in my body- I am not considering it as something really serious but i need to admit I do feel kind of scared and insecure- as the last semester is here and I only have 2 months left to prove myself for the last time here. I am trying to calm myself down, my other friend who is a medical student friend gave me some really shocking info about if I don't take rest than this and that will happen. Well I am waiting to go to the doctor this evening to get the report checked. I am also kind of feeling bad for my mom- nothing affected someone else other than her! None will be affected like her! she is so tensed.................

For what its worth, I cant wait to bring some positive changes in my life- not staying in touch with some certain people will work very well for me. because - it's all their loss, they were not even worth it that they could give some valuable lessons to me other than making me feel hatred for them, they pissed me off, they pretended and lied, they played with my emotions and most of all they broke my trust!

I will succeed someday with my truth and honesty I guess. better go and take a nap now.....the headache is here again!

weird times..........so its me again!

I don't know why but I am going through a pretty rough time within myself, maybe sometimes u think tht nothing is meant to go wrong in your life and once it goes wrong, its like BHOOOM......everything is sooooo cloudy and messed up that u cant get back to ur cute lilt planned stupid life u have dreamt of!!!!

Shukhe thakle bhoot e kilaye bepar tao ache.....still as far my life history goes.....ITS NOT ONLY MY FAULT!

I mean shit shit shit!!! Why the hell am I into this again, why do i always get into HUGE love-hate thing that you can't change easily, I mean not at all easily. Last week was my FF week! GOD! Its me! its my life, why the hell am I relying on other ppl?

i need to make it on my own! I need to, need to, need to!

its me me me...........selfishly its me! :D

I am so sick of these bad dreams..............I am also really pissed with my continuous hair fall, I can really deal with bad face days but I love my hair! n cant bare to see these precious locks of hair going through pain! the whole day, my net was down. At the evening I did sit with my quiz prep for monday! GOSH! thts kinda grt that I am preparing from Friday! :D

:(

:D

Got my highlights done today, was wanting it sooooooooo sooooooo badly! never ever had this craving for something this much badly. Isnt it weird how one wants to bring a difference in so many silly ways! GOSH! Allah knows better!

Life is I don't know what to say. its weird how life goes. How the things once soooo much precious to you runs away from you and u have this stupid empty feeling which you wish U never ever felt! Which you try NOT to feel n to move on with life ( what does moving on means basically? getting a new guy? dating a hottie u have always wanted to? or I dont know!)

Well the bad feelings are always there.......they haunt me down and I think about it all over again.

GOSH, wishing to be bad so badly! Hahahahahaha!