Thursday, January 12, 2017

I wish some people just go reverse.... went back to their mother's womb and never existed ever.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Having common sense is one punishment and dealing with people with zero common sense makes life a living hell!

Each December month is like a roller coaster. You get all the pressure form management to get the revenue in. Get sorted out with the pending stuff and then you realise "what was I doing all these time over the year?"

Friday, December 2, 2016

Postpartum depression is real I

Have you ever had that gut feeling....that no matter how much you try- you feel that you are making progress yet you are staying or lagging behind? You know that you are in you will be alive and you will not die but you will not be happy living like that? I mean that weird feeling that you know you will only survive end of the day. But you will not be entirely sad or happy about it. That is feeling I got just before I had my baby. I was extremely overwhelmed about the fact that I was about to have a baby. all jumbled up. I do not know how many people go through the mental issues like I do. I was not entirely happy at the end of my pregnancy. I remember being very happy on my baby shower day- that was exactly 2 weeks back before Baby Z was born. After that I had gone through pretty rough times. I understand it is not very easy for my partner as well. It might be different phase for him as well. Through out my pregnancy he made me feel like i was literally "Xena the warrior princess" who was not supposed to feel sick for a moment or did not need a dry mopped up washroom floor- he did mop the wet toilet but very few times. He did check up on me to make sure I had my lunch on time or complained how I do not eat fish and this and that (I am not sure whether he knew what I actually had or ever had or what do I like to have. I wanted to tell him please do not complain to others to show you care but i did not) But a lot of people have showered me with love- inquired about me, what I wanted to have or how was I doing. I liked more people out side of my relationships gained through marital bonds. It was weird- so weird! I bonded with the baby- drifted away from my partner. Tried to get him into online sites........shared articles (he is not much of a reader) and tried to make him feel it is "ours" as in us not some toy or entertainment source for any other people. Yes I wanted to be pampered. I thank him for letting me choose my hospital and doctor (when you can not get anything- a little bit seems amazing) Yes I wanted to say it was a cherished time. I wanted to say I had a lovely journey not by myself but with my partner. But I can not. A child comes into people's lives to make it stronger. I felt my relationship fell apart. Because I was not married one entity few other people who had stronger voice than he did. But I alone was- is and going to be my own voice. is not that normal?

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

I enjoyed my life- yes I absolutely think I had an awesome life so far. I loved each and every part and role I haveplayed. Maybe because I was able to be myself and could breathe. Lately I have been feeling a bit of out of place. I loved myself as a daughter, as a friend and even as a girlfriend. I enjoyed it all,I have no regrets of what I have gone through (mostly) I hate myself as a wife, I am nfot enjoying this part at all. Supposedly this is the longest role one normal woman would be playing. I am somdreadfully hating it. I can not wait to be what I can not wait to feel how I used to fell back then. I feel depressed, caged, stuck, lost, confused, tormented, mocked,insulted, i do nit feel like - me. I have so much to do but I hate myself for disappointing myself on and on.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

February 3rd

What is the point of life if it is only dictated by certain group of people and you get to understand it after a very long time. Almost when the time is over? What will you do then. Say for a matter if you can not seem to link to your life. Maybe you are not being able to cope with what you have. Not everyone perceives happiness or life as others, then what should one do? What makes someone else happy might not work for me. Then when and where and how do I go after happiness? Can I go. Out be creative, be brave, be bold enough to discover and look for it. Or shall I simply give up and try to be trained according to peoples mind set? What? How?

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Insecurity: When freedom is not free

Insecurity- we all went through it, we all face it, carry it, empowered by it, hide it, hide from it, wonder where it took birth from mostly defeated by it, and some fortunate ones win over it to make it their strength. It is hidden in the core of our mind, our heart and there are less people who have been unknown to it.

Insecurity is  definitely when someone you trust is proven wrong to you. Insecurity is not having the support you thought you had. Insecurity is the pseudo security you thought you had, But it was only your bloody imagination. That is insecurity.

Insecurity is someone you know whom you thought known you act like a stranger and no longer knows you for yourself- when misunderstanding strike and you are to pay the price for no good reason. That is insecurity.