Wednesday, February 5, 2014

I enjoyed my life- yes I absolutely think I had an awesome life so far. I loved each and every part and role I haveplayed. Maybe because I was able to be myself and could breathe. Lately I have been feeling a bit of out of place. I loved myself as a daughter, as a friend and even as a girlfriend. I enjoyed it all,I have no regrets of what I have gone through (mostly) I hate myself as a wife, I am nfot enjoying this part at all. Supposedly this is the longest role one normal woman would be playing. I am somdreadfully hating it. I can not wait to be what I can not wait to feel how I used to fell back then. I feel depressed, caged, stuck, lost, confused, tormented, mocked,insulted, i do nit feel like - me. I have so much to do but I hate myself for disappointing myself on and on.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

February 3rd

What is the point of life if it is only dictated by certain group of people and you get to understand it after a very long time. Almost when the time is over? What will you do then. Say for a matter if you can not seem to link to your life. Maybe you are not being able to cope with what you have. Not everyone perceives happiness or life as others, then what should one do? What makes someone else happy might not work for me. Then when and where and how do I go after happiness? Can I go. Out be creative, be brave, be bold enough to discover and look for it. Or shall I simply give up and try to be trained according to peoples mind set? What? How?

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Insecurity: When freedom is not free

Insecurity- we all went through it, we all face it, carry it, empowered by it, hide it, hide from it, wonder where it took birth from mostly defeated by it, and some fortunate ones win over it to make it their strength. It is hidden in the core of our mind, our heart and there are less people who have been unknown to it.

Insecurity is  definitely when someone you trust is proven wrong to you. Insecurity is not having the support you thought you had. Insecurity is the pseudo security you thought you had, But it was only your bloody imagination. That is insecurity.

Insecurity is someone you know whom you thought known you act like a stranger and no longer knows you for yourself- when misunderstanding strike and you are to pay the price for no good reason. That is insecurity. 


Today was 2nd february. It just brings back so many memories. This day is special for many reasons. Four years back Abby came back from hospital on this very day. Got inside mamas home and said "i am back" just as like Arnold Shwertzeneger hahahaha. He was a man of wit and humor with good taste for sure. I just miss him so super much. I pray for him, He is the one who inspires me the most from above, he is the biggest courage who makes me feel proud that I am his dauughter, how many people can do that from far away? MaynAllah keep him in a better place. Ameen.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

On last Monday afternoon- looking at the mesmerizing view of an army unit field and the ducks swimming on the lake I got to think about winters. In Dhaka the chilly wintry breeze is on. The weather is getting colder now a days and winter is coming sooner than I anticipated this year (We are all the sufferer of the global warming issue) 

I clearly remember my winters since I was 5 years old. My grandfather- APUJI (my mother's dad) passed away on a winter evening. I was in nursery standard back then. I clearly remember my winters from standard three in 1994 up to this year. The school days winter was more fun becuase we had our vacation and we had so much to do. Then from standard seven I remember celebrating my bro in laws birthdays. I remember the christmas eves and the new year parties......

Yes I know, I am being nostalgic. A bit too nostalgic maybe. I am on this whirling trip of a lot of changes. My home, being married, getting a driving license but not driving and only planning (that could be turned into something positive :p) 

This evening before saying my Maagrib Prayers I simply couldn't control my tears looking at my dad's picture. I felt I somehow forgot him- But i do know I remember him every single day- his absence is very much felt and evident. I just felt like a bad person- I felt that I couldn't do anything for him at all. I didn't get my first salary then and I never got to buy anything for him. He only kept on giving me so much and I couldn't do anything for him. I didn't pray properly for him- it was not enough. Right now I am extremely upset. I feel like a disappointment for so many reasons. Probably my recent experience with my father in law triggered some thought. He was not what I thought- he is a bit different. It is heart breaking. Was I by any chance started to rely on him as a father figure in my life? I am sad! 

Friday, September 27, 2013

have you ever felt that you are completely unknown or stranger to the person you were just an year back? Have you ever felt that you were someone totally stranger to the thoughts you had in your head. Was that an infatuation? It was not that I was infatuated. What was I thinking? I will never have the answer. It is so over now! 

Saturday, August 24, 2013